Naga's mind

Disclaimer: I write not mostly because I wanna write but because I try to find patterns of my thought process, and I’ve been actively trying to track the way my thoughts evolve ever since I’ve been 15. So if you’re not interested in me, this is where you drop out, because this blog is entirely about me, just time-stamping my thoughts, dreams and the reasons why I do what I do so that if I wanna look back I know how I have been thinking. So let’s get started.

When you are happy in life, when you achieve something that you have always wanted for so long, when everything is going the way you dreamt it should, a part of you wants it to last. You get content and you want it to sustain. That’s true for most of the people, at least it is true for the people with whom I’ve interacted with. Except for me. I wish I were like the majority of the people, but I have never been able to be that.

Maybe it’s because once you’ve hit the rock-bottom once in life, or if you had lost something really that was very valuable to you, you never feel satisfied ever again. I have been broken so badly a few years back, the reasons of which am not really comfortable discussing online, but just know it was bad. Even hearbreaking. You reach a point in life that no matter what amount of dopamine you get out of life experiences, you never feel that happiness you once felt.

Why am I talking about these now? We’ll get there soon.

So once that incident happened in life, it made me question not just about that single incident, but about everything in life. Let’s just face it and look at the major events of my life. I am a guy, who was a swimmer when I was a kid, did okay in studies, took biology group in 11,12th grade, did Electrical engineering, did bodybuilding, joined IT, later jumped to banking and now am jumping to a completely different sector again? Where do I put use to all these different experiences and knowledge I gained through these different ventures? (Yes, am resigning again, I’ll talk about it in the end of the blog.) I also thought I’ll get a MBA from some IIMs and maybe then I’ll get satisfied, but just when I was about to get it I decided I’d not be happy there as well.

There are people who if they get good grades they get happiness. Some if they get a good college and a job they get set. Some when they crack banking exams and get a job they settle down. Some may like it when they crack CAT and get into IIMs. Then there are people who get satisfied when they get a central government job. The irony here is I have done every single one of this here, yet am not satisfied. Yes, now am joining Central government with EPFO. But this time, things are different. Unlike many I did not choose this because it’s a government job or because it has better security. In a way, I did not even take this decision for my own good. I took it for the greater good. Because if I were to be in banking itself I would have been very happy as well, because finance is my second love (you’ll never know about my first) and I love what I do.

But the thing is I will get bored. Or rather I have a lot of dots that have not connected yet. Sitting in one place doesn’t connect them, one of the many reasons I kept moving around. And the thing about connecting the dots of life is, you can never connect it forwards (like many try to do) it is always done backwards.

So does anyone of you have the answer to why you did what you did till today in your life? I bet most of you, including myself don’t have an answer. But unlike others who connect the dots to something bizzare like I studied because I’ll get a job that pays well, (Why study to make money bro?) I keep the dots unconnected if I feel I don’t have the answer for it now (And none of the dots connected till today). And I kept waiting so that one day, someday all these dots will connect into a beautiful picture. A picture which I could never have painted consciously (destiny maybe?)

Now let’s get to the dreams part. I realized that I am more of a social person. Meaning anything that I had done till date had a greater thought of what will other people get if I do it? Will it make them happy? Will it make any difference in their life rather than “What is in it for me”. And to say the truth am really content with how I’ve evolved as a person, my financial or material needs or whatever I need for myself, I’ve already taken descent care of it. But the void that I feel is because I haven’t given back anything to the society, the society which gave me so many varied experiences which a lot of children in India are not fortunate enough to get.

I personally believe that everyone comes to the world with a certain level of competence and blessings. It is also my belief that the world functions because of the balance. Certain people are given more skills than the others naturally not because you were worthy of it when you were born, but because you have the bigger responsibility of taking the people who are less fortunate or less competent than you are along with you. You don’t have that blessing so that you can walk over the lesser fortunate people. It is your duty because you were given these qualities and skills, for this very purpose. Maintain the balance. Although I could see a lot of people don’t think this way and feel they win because they work really hard, this is how I feel. Also I found I can look at a simple thing from a lot of prespectives, the social angle, the economic and financial angle, the cultural angle and the humanitarian angle etc. mostly because of the books I read, the different jobs that I did and the experiences I gained through all my ventures. I felt therefore these must not be wasted for something trivial like “I want to be rich and make my family happy”. I have been blessed in a number of ways because I had to do something else for this society. And this realization is where the dots started getting connected.

I now have a bigger dream, I want to give back to the society that helped me grow. I want to use all my experience in sports, social work, technical and financial work experience to benefit not just me but the entire society. That’s when I decided my next target will be UPSC. I want to become someone who can work for the benefit for a larger group of people and make impact on the lives of people who have been less fortunate than I’ve been. I want to lift this society along with me. I want to look at every issue in the society with the right knowledge , various perspectives and give optimum solutions that will make people’s life blissful and inturn the entire society and nation prosperous. What is in this for me? I get satisfaction that all my dots have finally been connected and I get to do what I am destined for. (or atleast that is what I believe). And since the grind for this journey is going to be tedious and time demanding I decided to quit the job that I love, to go after what I want to become because now, time is of the essence and in banking I won’t be able to get the time to do justice to the preparation. And this is the only reason for which am resigning now. Also the opportunity cost of me chosing one over the other is huge. I am staking a wonderful career with a possible promotion, an admission which would have helped me fetch a package worth lakhs by the time I graduated for something I have zero knowledge about and that has a success ratio of 0.01%. I know am taking up a monstrous task, and jumping again into a field I have zero knowledge about, but trust me I’ll find the way and do it.

If you have been till here, thanks a lot for reading and make sure you send me a blessings or atleast keep me in your prayers so that I achieve what I’ve set to do, for I believe I can’t achieve success by my own. There are a lot of variables that are beyond my control and for that I’ll forever need your prayers and blessings. This is my humble request.

Forever grateful to all that has happened in my life.

Until then…